Embracing Vulnerability with Freedom: The Spiritual Journey of Asking for Help
Discovering the importance of self-compassion when facing shame and fear
Were you raised to think that asking for help is a sign of weakness? What if that mindset is exactly what is stopping you from getting ahead in whatever area of life you’re stuck in?
Doesn’t that mindset create shame and fear around not only asking for help but someone helping you? And yet, when you reach out for help and someone willingly says “Of course, I can help” there is not only instant community, but a sense of belonging.
It’s in togetherness that you and I emerge stronger and finish what was begun. The process of asking for help — giving and taking — is one that is authentic and beautiful. It embodies the essence of community and gives you and me the freedom to be vulnerable.
Let’s flip the concept of shame, insecurity, and fear on its head when each of us needs help. You’ve been there. I’ve been there. What if we all embraced vulnerability with a sense of freedom?
I remember years ago when I got a flat tire while driving on a freeway. I was a young single woman who knew the basics of changing my tire, but I was dressed for work (think high heels, skirt, pantyhose, and all that mess). So, I got out of my car, went to the trunk, and started getting the tools out.
Suddenly, a big semi pulls in behind me and the driver hops out, asking, “Can I help you?”
I could have said “no.” I could have told him that I was fine. And, y’all, I was raised to be a feminist and be strong, but neither of those means you can’t ask or receive help when it is offered.
Did I mention I was in heels and a skirt? Yeah. The idea of bending over to hitch up the car, getting my hands dirty using the tire iron, and wrestling with putting the spare tire on was not at the forefront of my plans for having a good time that day.
So, I said, “Wow! Thank you so much! I would so appreciate your help.”
The driver smiled and proceeded to take over changing my tire. I was beyond grateful. And, you know what? I believe he wouldn’t have pulled over if he didn’t want to help. Yes, you need to listen to your gut when someone approaches you. Being safe and setting boundaries is necessary. My Inner Voice was telling me that this was an okay time to say yes.
I mumbled something when he was done about not having any money to pay him. He looked at me blankly and responded, “I don’t want your money.” He smiled again, handed me my tire iron, waved, and said, “Make sure to get that tire fixed because your spare won’t last very long” as he turned to walk back to his truck. “Have a nice day!” he said smiling again.
That situation made me feel a part of a larger community. Yes, he was a stranger, but most of the people in this world are strangers to you. That doesn’t mean you won’t bump into someone or have a situation where their help would make you feel the same way.
We were each created to be human and live in community, even if you’re an introvert.
Finally, all of you should agree and have concern and love for each other. You should also be kind and humble.
— 1 Peter 3:8, CEV
Each of us carries different loads of stress and trauma. It sometimes seems like each of us is balancing a tightrope with our daily lives. And yet, in Western cultures, we are taught to push through, be strong, and not show any vulnerabilities. It becomes a circle of “I won’t ask for help. You don’t need to help me, and all will be ok.”
But it’s not ok, right?
That mindset creates a paradox of power and weakness. You know you need help. You deserve to be helped, but you’re afraid to ask for fear that you might appear weak or that you might inconvenience someone. What kind of hogwash is that?
If you don’t ask for help, you end up isolating yourself out of shame and fear, but you and I are human, and humans are social beings. We crave connection with one another. And, just like the truck driver who stopped to help me, people want to help.
When you need help; there are people who want to help you.
Read that again.
Why? Because there is evidence that helping others promotes happiness. It flips your dopamine switch on. When you create dopamine activities for yourself and others, your blood pressure is lowered, your self-esteem goes up, and you live longer.
Breaking the Stigma Around Asking for Help
Instead of glorifying independence and self-sufficiency, what if asking for help becomes a positive thing? What if it becomes your strength and superpower?
In reality, asking for help takes bravery and courage. It shows a sense of strength to know your limitations and ask for help. Knowing that, why wouldn’t you … ask for help? So, break the stigma. The next time you need help, ask someone.
When you allow yourself to be vulnerable and acknowledge your limitations, you become more authentic and open to the support of others.
Asking for help with shame says:
You have the power over me.
Asking with condescension says:
I have the power over you.
But asking for help with gratitude says:
We have the power to help each other.
— Amanda Palmer
Shine the Light on Your Fears
It’s normal to feel vulnerable when asking for help. You feel exposed and fragile, but living with your fear and shame is like carrying a ton of weight that can exhaust you. Instead of suffering in silence, make it a spiritual practice to ask for help. Shoot that fear in the behind! You never know, the person you ask to help you could offer great wisdom.
Open up the Space for Compassion
It takes courage to ask for help … and … it’s also a form of allowing yourself to benefit from what could be a positive human connection. When you are vulnerable to asking for help, you open yourself up to feel, hear, and receive compassion and kindness from others.
That authentic connection is the core of what makes us human. So, dignify yourself. Be human. Ask for help. Give help. Offer to help, and watch the beauty unfold.
Communicating Your Needs
At times, I have said, “I wonder if people don’t ask for help because they don’t know how to put words to it” or they don’t know what they need.
What about listening and acting upon your Inner Voice that whispers, “You need help.” What if part of this is exerting patience—for the person asking and the person willing to help?
I know I know … we’re all too busy. But what if we slow down enough to be present?
Sometimes you know exactly what kind of help you need, and sometimes you don’t. It’s ok. Just raise your hand and ask for help.
Pay it Forward
When you know what it feels like to receive help at a time when you desperately need it, you understand deeply what it means to give help. You know what a difference it made for you, so you pay it forward when an opportunity presents itself. Don’t be afraid to see what beauty can be created by paying it forward.
What People Need to Hear
If you’re the one offering to help, it can be beneficial to know what people might need to hear in order to feel safe and comfortable receiving your offer.
“I’m here for you.” Knowing that someone is there to support them can be a tremendous comfort. Don’t be afraid to express your availability and willingness to help.
“It’s okay to ask for help.” Normalizing the action of asking for help is powerful. Letting the other person know that asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength can be a game changer. It lets them know that you understand.
“You are not alone.” That’s a big one, right? We all want to know that we are not the only ones. Remind the person that they don’t need to hide in isolation with their struggle because you are there to help.
Years ago, I was let go from my job. It was nothing I had done wrong. It’s one of the crazy nuances of being employed in California, which is a Right to Work state.
As I was looking for a new job, I was also watching my savings account dwindle away. I began looking for a new place to live and my brother introduced me to a friend of his, Teresa. We all had lunch together, and by the time we were done eating, Teresa said, “Why don’t you come stay at our house? My daughter is away until the end of the year and her room is empty.”
I had never had someone offer to help me so generously. I didn’t really know Teresa, but I trusted my brother and something about her told me it was ok. We are still friends to this day.
Each day, when everyone went off to work, I spent the day on the internet searching for work, and her mama would cook for me. She didn’t speak much English and my Spanish was rusty at best, but that didn’t stop us. We would eat, laugh, and spend quality time together.
Later, Mama told Teresa that having me around was a welcome light of community for her, and vice versa. In fact, it was because of Mama that I applied for a job that I might not have ever thought I would because of one question she asked me, which was, “Will it make you happy?”
You just never know what beauty can unfold when you say yes to receiving help.
And, later, when I moved to downtown Los Angeles, my husband and I ended up volunteering with an organization (Downtown Women’s Center) that houses and assists houseless women. Each time I spoke to someone or served them a meal, I was reminded of the help I received. Had I closed myself off from receiving help, I might have been knocking on the door of that organization.
As daunting as asking for help can seem, it is also a powerful tool that unlocks not just spiritual growth but a deep inner transformation as you touch, feel, and understand human connection on a deeper level.
Yes, it requires you and I to be vulnerable. Yes, if you’re the one asking for help, it can feel scary and shameful, but remind yourself that you are also opening yourself up to love, compassion, and support.
Asking for help is a powerful tool that unlocks the spiritual growth of our human connections and allows us to empower ourselves. It requires us to be vulnerable, and sincere, and to learn to lean on others when facing life’s troubles.
The source of love is deep in us and we can help others realize a lot of happiness. One word, one action, one thought can reduce another person’s suffering and bring that person joy. — Thich Nhat Hanh
Reflection Questions
Think about the last time you were hesitant to ask for help. What caused you to hesitate? What underlying beliefs and emotions were fueling your reluctance? Was it shame, fear, or maybe pride?
What is a mindset you can adopt to help you be more open and receptive to the support of others? Is it entwined with trust issues? It’s ok if it is. Maybe that’s the awareness you need right now. When you recognize that’s the sore spot, you then know what you’re dealing with. The next time you need help, allow yourself grace to ask for help. Trust that if someone comes into your path it might be the help you need. Allow yourself to be brave.
Is there a time in your life when you asked for help? What words or gestures offered comfort or encouragement during that time? What does that teach you about how you can offer to help someone? Reflect on the power of compassion and understanding in helping others feel safe and supported when seeking assistance.
May you be brave enough to ask for help when you need it. May you be comforting and a safe haven for others when they need assistance.
May you always be a source of Love, Compassion, and Kindness in a world that is desperately hurting. You are here now, and a blessing because you are here. You possess goodness within you. Let that be enough.
May you know that you are loved because you matter.
May your soul be refreshed.
sdg © Nancy Blackman